


Childhood memories

by Daniela_is_not_amused



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (it doesnt refer to any of the sides), Alternate Universe - Human, Bad Parenting, Child Abuse, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kid Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Kid Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Kid Fic, Kid Logic | Logan Sanders, Kid Morality | Patton Sanders, Not What It Looks Like, Parent-Child Relationship, Past Child Abuse, Sad, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 21:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21327118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daniela_is_not_amused/pseuds/Daniela_is_not_amused
Summary: Logan's memory may be patchy on most of his childhood, but a few things still stand out.Falling off the stable roof and breaking his arm when he was very small.His friend Patton's birthday party and the bright blue icing on the cake.When his parents brought his brother Virgil home from the hospital for the first time, and how wrinkly and pink and screamy Virgil was.His mother's death.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 78





	Childhood memories

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language. Not beta-read. All mistakes are mine.
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.

Logan's memory may be patchy on most of his childhood, but a few things still stand out. Falling off the stable roof and breaking his arm when he was very small. His friend Patton's birthday party and the bright blue icing on the cake. When his parents brought his brother Virgil home from the hospital for the first time, and how wrinkly and pink and screamy Virgil was.

His mother's death.

For weeks after Mommy came home with the new baby, she'd been tired and grumpy. She didn't want to see Logan's artwork from school, or read with him, or even to see him at all. She screamed at him when he was too loud and she wouldn't let him anywhere near the baby, even though Logan knew he was big enough to hold Virgil for just a few minutes. After all, he was nearly five.

The one time Logan tried to pick Virgil up out of his bassinet, Mommy caught him and slapped him across the face so hard he cried out in pain. Just as quickly, she pulled him to her chest and hugged him so tight he couldn't breath, then shook him by the shoulders until he broke away and ran down the hall and down the stairs and across the yard to hide in the stables until Daddy came home.

Logan didn't know what happened to his mommy, but he missed the way things used to be.

On the day it happened, he was late leaving school. His teacher took the kindergarten class outside to look at the bugs in the field, and Logan had been so excited when he found an earthworm that he'd tripped into the mud and gotten his uniform dirty. His teacher had helped Logan clean up as best he could, but nothing could mask the muddy marks on his trousers and his shirt. Mrs. McCall, the housekeeper, came to pick Logan up at school, rolling her eyes at his muddy clothes, but that was okay because she liked Logan and let him lick the spoon whenever she made cookies. Logan told her all about the worm he'd found and the ladybug that Patton held on his pinky and the bumblebee that Roman hadn't been able to catch, no matter how hard he tried. He didn't tell her that he had made Virgil a picture of the worm and had hidden it in his bag so Mommy wouldn't find it and tear it up like she had done the picture of the horses Logan had drawn for Virgil the previous week.

When they got home, Mrs. McCall took Logan to his room and helped him change into clean clothing. Mrs. McCall took Logan's uniform to the laundry room and Logan climbed the stairs to Mommy's room, because even if Mommy didn't want to see him any other time of the day, she always demanded that Logan come see her when he got home from school.

One day, Logan thought hotly, he wouldn't come home from school at all and then Mommy would miss him, and on that day he wouldn't be sad, not even a little.

As Logan approached the room, he could hear Virgil crying through the door. His footsteps slowed. Whenever Virgil cried, Mommy tried to blame it on Logan, even when Logan hasn't around. But by now, Logan knew there was no point in trying to delay whatever Mommy would do. Slowly, he pushed on the door until it opened.

The room smelled like copper pennies in the sun. Mommy lay still on the bed, one hand extended as she stared up at the ceiling, not even blinking. Red liquid covered the bed all around her, and the wall beside the bed, and Virgil's bassinet and the white carpet and the drapes and everything, even the handgun lying on the table on the other side of the room.

Logan touched Mommy's hand, but she didn't move. Her skin was cold under his fingers. Then Logan went over to Virgil's bassinet. Thick red drops covered his brother's face and his hands and his little yellow pajamas, smearing around as Virgil wiggled and cried because he was only a little baby.

Logan looked at Mommy, then at Virgil, then back at Mommy again. She hadn't moved from the place on the bed, and Logan didn't know how she could be sleeping with her eyes open.

Virgil sounded so unhappy that Logan couldn't stand it any longer. He reached into the bassinet and picked Virgil up, careful to hold his head like Daddy always did, until Virgil was draped over Logan's shoulder. There were drops of red all over the bassinet, over the pillow and the mattress. Maybe Virgil didn't like being wet, Logan thought as he walked back across the room holding Virgil.

Mommy didn't move.

Out in the hall, Virgil stopped crying. "I'll keep you safe," Logan said to his little brother, who gripped and clung to him like a baby monkey. "That's what big brothers do, Mrs. McCall says."

Logan walked carefully down the stairs, holding Virgil tight the whole time. He walked into the kitchen and stopped by the table where Mrs. McCall and the chauffer looked up, startled at his entrance, and announced, "Something's wrong with Mommy."

Mrs. McCall shrieked and grabbed Virgil away from Logan, while the chauffer ran out of the kitchen towards Mommy's room, and more people came in at the screaming, and Logan couldn't find anyone to listen to him that Virgil didn't like being wet.

After a few minutes, when Mrs. McCall had stripped Virgil down to his diaper and looked him all over and rewrapped him in a kitchen towel, Logan sat in a chair and held Virgil in his lap and told Virgil the story about the worm and the ladybug. Strange people came into the house and no one remembered about Logan's dinner but Logan didn't mind because Virgil fell asleep in his arms and that was okay, because Logan was the big brother and it was his job to protect Virgil.

Daddy came in with a big man who said he was a policeman, and he let Logan hold his police badge while the doctor looked closely at Virgil. The policeman asked Logan if he had moved anything in the room and Logan said yes, he moved Virgil downstairs because Virgil was crying. Then the policeman asked Logan if he touched the gun, and Logan very indignantly said no, because Daddy had always said that only adults should touch guns, and that Logan was never to touch any of the guns in the house or in the stables because it wasn't safe.

Then the police man looked at Logan's hands and his arms and patted his head and said that Logan was a brave boy, but all Logan wanted was Virgil back.

Even later still, Daddy came back into the kitchen and sat Logan down and told him that Mommy was dead. The room was still full of people and Logan thought he heard someone say that Mommy shot herself before someone shushed the voice.

Later that night, lying in a makeshift bed in the servants quarters with Virgil asleep in the portable cradle, Logan stared at the darkness and wondered, if Mommy used the handgun to shoot herself, who had put the handgun on the far table and who had put Virgil back into his bassinet.

No one else ever asked those questions, and after a few months and for years to come, Logan forgot what he was supposed to remember about his mother's death.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is appreciated.


End file.
